Day 42 – October 25th, 2017
Haven’t written since last week. I just lost the joy I had in it and it felt like more of a burden for a few days. It’s been one heck of a week. And I mean that in the best and worst ways.
Just as an update: there is a mission team here from West Virginia. They are so great at street evangelism. It’s truly inspiring to see them spread the Word of God.
Last Thursday to about this Sunday I have felt extremely low. There was no main cause. I was just sad and just felt weird. I have already not been feeling physically well, but I felt more emotionally sick.
Physically, I was having bad headaches and I was just exhausted. But it wasn’t like a normal tired. It was like I couldn’t even function properly because I was just so sleepy. It was worse than the tired I felt when we first arrived and I couldn’t adjust to the time. This was just different. I don’t know how to describe it. I felt so tired at times that it was like even my thought process and actions were slowed down as well. Still don’t feel fully energized, but I’m just praying even harder that God will give me a rest that will leave me energized for the rest of the day.
Emotionally, on the inside I was a wreck. I would wake up every morning and dread just getting out of bed and leaving the house. I just did not feel like facing the day and putting on a smile to suffer through until I could get back in bed. I was worried about everything. Even things that are totally out of my hand. I had a breakdown about college and med school and med school is at least 3 years away. I was just sad. My heart wasn’t here. I wasn’t homesick. Not even in the slightest bit. I was just sad. I’m still kind of trying to rid myself of that inner sadness. I found that even when I dread going out and doing something, I always enjoy in the moment and for a bit it just makes me feel better.
The devil has really been attacking us this week. I’ve felt awful, Ashlyn has been struggling, Madeline is having a very difficult time here, Isaac hasn’t had a great past few days, Derek and Lauren are extremely stressed, and a woman from the West Virginia mission team was severely sick. She is thankfully doing better and hopefully on her way back to the States as I write this, but still keep Sabrina in your prayers.
Our team is struggling. I hate that. Some of us feel that we’re treated as lesser than by other teammates, we are struggling to love each other well, and we are having a hard time communicating and understanding each other. It’s hard to love each other well, I’ll be the first one to admit that. I’m having a very hard time loving some of my teammates well. But what really kills me is to see someone that I’m close with hurt by someone on our team. We’re supposed to be building each other up and encouraging each other- not tearing each other down or making someone doubt why they are even here. Hopefully tonight at team church there will be some reconciliation. Really praying for that.
The past few days the Holy Sprit has really been moving here in Cape Verde. I’ve felt such joy in my heart getting to evangelize to people on the college campus and just out in the streets. I even got to share my story with a girl at the University here. Today, I went with Pastor and a woman from the WV mission team to the house of a man in our church. I got to see his mom, two sisters, and two brothers come to know Christ AND they want us to come back to talk to the father. How good is our God??
I think that’s why satan has been trying to attack us as hard as he can. But I refuse to back down to the enemy. Satan will not steal my joy here. Satan will not cause this team to crumble and tear apart. Satan will not win. My God is so much greater and He will not let us fall to the enemy.
Writing this from the balcony of our apartment. It is 7 PM my time. The power on our block just went out. But also, with the power out in this part of the city, we can finally see the stars clearly. I love looking at the stars. I loved it back home and I love it here. God knows exactly how many stars are out there. He created each one. And he still knows me by name and called me out of the darkness. He is constantly revealing more of himself and more of His love to me.