Day 14 – September 27th, 2017
Worst day I’ve had here yet. I woke up and was immediately sad and wanted nothing more than to stay in bed. But I got up.. only because I had to.
We started the day touring two local universities, which I hated. I was miserable the whole time. I was already in poor spirits and, if you know me, you know I can’t hide my emotions. The look on my face gives it away immediately. During the whole mornings on the tours, I realized I wanted nothing more than to just be home- not the apartment. MY home. In Georgia. With my family. With all the things I find comfort in. So all morning I was trying to hide this feeling so instead I wore my best scowl and was mad at the world and blamed it on being tired.
I hadn’t been homesick yet. I was so proud of myself and I had been adjusting to everything so well. I didn’t want to be homesick because I do love it here so I was even more discouraged that I was feeling this way.
I thought about calling home as soon as I go back, but I had already told myself I didn’t need to because I didn’t want to upset or worry my parents and my sisters. But I was, and as I write this still am, missing home so much. And it sucks.
Anyway, I thought that I could hold it together for a quick call and I just knew it would make me feel better just to see a familiar smile. But, my laptop had kicked me off the wifi and was requesting I reenter the wifi passcode. So, I just put it aside and went back down for lunch.
Well, it was at lunch that we found out that the wifi password had been changed and that Derek and Lauren had decided to pick a day when they would give us the code to call home once or twice a week. I felt like I had been kicked in the ribs.
I made it upstairs before I just totally lost it. All I wanted was to her from my parents and I felt that it had been taken away from me the one day I needed it most. So I cried it out and then got it together to go to my Portuguese class.
After class, some of us were just hanging out in the apartment and I felt the pangs of another break down coming. To combat it, I shut myself in my room and read my daily Bible reading. When after that I was still miserable, I thought I try to go hang out in the living room with my roommates. I didn’t last long.
Before l lost it, I made it to the shower. I knew that then no one could hear me ugly cry or see me crying out to God to make the pain go away. I’ve never felt so awful. I finally got myself together enough to go downstairs to talk to Mrs. Lauren about it. I can’t say enough how thankful I was/am for that talk.
Tonight, we did team bible study. At the end of the lesson, Mr. Derek told us how back in the day when the vikings/pirates would invade a city, they would burn their boats. They were all in. I can’t have one foot here in Africa and one foot back home. He was going to give us toy boats to represent what was holding us back from being fully committed here (but he couldn’t find boats, so we had airplanes). We were to find the source or thing that was holding us back and let the plane represent it. Then, we burned them.
I had to burn the fear of being forgotten or left behind. I had to burn all the earthly worries that I have from home. And I had to burn the part of me that was trying to put my family and my love for them before my love for the Lord. There is a verse that states that our love for the Lord should be so big that the love we feel for our families should look almost like hate in comparison. (I wish I could tell you the verse, but I don’t have it memorized and don’t have wifi to look it up.)
The bad news is there will be days that I feel worse and more broken than I do today. The good news is there will be days where I am so consumed with joy nothing else in the world will even exist to me.
My love for the Lord is so great that I will spend each day earnestly seeking Him first. I will trust in His plan that Africa is the best place I can be right now because I’m at the center of His will. Everyday I will die to myself, take up my cross, and follow the Lord.
God will use this pain and sadness I feel to glorify Him. I will proclaim His praises even on the days when I hate it here. Because my God is good.He is faithful. He will never forsake me. He is with me always.